I never saw it coming.

I left the Solomon Islands on a high.

The week following the South Pacific Nursing Forum had been amazing. I held a three day workshop with all the nursing supervisors, the aim of which was to create a sense of responsibility in them. We wanted to encourage them to be the change champions needed to pull the nurses out of this hole of doom, gloom and helplessness they seem to have fallen into. It is so hard to break through, to gain trust and confidence in people of the Solomon Islands. They are very reluctant to share their wants, needs and expectations with you but I finally felt that that something was happening. It was slow and at points, pretty bloody painful. A bit like sticking pins in your eyes if I’m honest. However, there were times when I could see a spark of enthusiasm. Interest slowly started to grow and people were voicing ways in which they could become more involved. We spent the days talking about the importance of research, of Evidence Based Practice, audits and reflection. I wanted to show them how, despite not having much, they can start to think about changing and developing practice, making a difference to the quality of healthcare they delivered. Mostly I wanted them to understand that doing anything was better than nothing. I wanted them to believe that they have a voice and if they use it, they can be the change, they can make the difference. Thankfully the light bulb was beginning to glow. And then I left. I am hoping there may still be a small light burning on my return and everyone is not sitting in complete darkness again.

When I booked this trip back to Australia, I thought that I would be in desperate need for some time out. I had been dreaming of good steak and red wine, posh dinners eaten from china plates on top of linen tablecloths, cold drinks with ice cubes, bare feet on plush carpet, warm showers and fluffy robes. Mostly what I needed was restful sleep. Quiet nights free from the wild dogs and the rooster symphony orchestra. Quiet nights free from wood sawing, house building and kwaso fuelled parties till the early hours. Quiet nights on a thick mattress in a cool, dark room. Bliss, bliss and more bliss.

As the time got nearer though, I was having such a great time I felt slightly reluctant to leave. Not reluctant to leave, of course I was super excited but was now the right time? Things had just started going great and I worried I would lose it.
So, off I trundled to Australia. I was in a good place, pretty bloody proud of myself to be honest and I couldn’t wait to share all my crazy tales with my dearest friends. These are the friends I grew up with, the ones that can never be replaced. 

We come from the same soil, shared puberty, first jobs, first loves, heartbreaks, marriages, deaths and births together. We have laughed, cried, fallen out and made up more times than I care to remember. These are the guys who I run to every time I have nowhere to go, who I call when I’m feeling lost and alone, who I laugh with until I ache and the tears run down my face, who I think about every time I find myself in a crazy situation, who I talk about constantly, who are always, always there and most importantly let me be the me that I feel so comfortable with and never question it. In a nutshell, my bestest and dearest friends.

That is why nothing prepared me for the loneliness I felt, for the giant ball of anxiety that grew in my belly daily, for the iron fist that clenched my gut so tight at times I found it difficult to breath. It wasn’t my friends, they were the same people I had always known and loved, it was me. I behaved badly, like a sullen, petulant teenager. I stropped when I didn’t get my own way and I hated myself for it. I told myself to stop, to buck up, to enjoy myself and thankfully, at times I did. I began to feel relaxed but there was a part of me that was lost, that didn’t belong and I guess my biggest fear was, had it gone forever?
It has only been four months. Could I have removed myself so far from my reality that I had forgotten how to behave? Surely not. Unfortunately time flew and all too soon I was dropping my friends at the airport. The guilt was immense. I don’t think I ruined the holiday and possibly I didn’t behave as badly as I beat myself up for. There were still some amazing moments, more great ones than not. We still laughed until we cried, gossiped like teenagers and put the world to rights like old times. But I could not shake the anxiety. This was not the way I wanted it to be and more than anything, I felt lost and afraid.

I decided to take myself off and spend a couple of days with me, myself and I. Some may think that this is my downfall. Maybe I spend too much time alone and have forgotten how to behave in company. My marbles had already been lost though and it was disaster after disaster. I won’t bore you with the details but it was 48 hours of madness that I never wish to have again. One shining light was I got to see my beautiful friend Jade at the beginning of the greatest adventure of her life. It should have been for longer and for that I am sorry.
So I got on the plane and came back. I nearly didn’t. Part of me wanted to run away but I had no idea where to run to. Besides, I had nothing to run away from and I didn’t (still don’t) understand why I was feeling like this. It was unnecessary.
I’ve been back a week and I’m doing OK. 

I’m still totally self absorbed and self obsessed but I’m talking to someone now and that helps. I realise that everyone else has their shit to deal with, some of it actually real shit, not made up shit. I try everyday to understand why I feel like this and where it came from. But like I said, I never saw it coming.
Let’s hope it leaves just as quickly.
Thanks to all those amazing friends who have put up with my whinging, whimpering and my whining. And to those who have encountered my tears, my tantrums, my strops or have been on the butt end of my bad decisions and terrible mistakes, I am sorry.
#self-centered #arrogant #selfish #egotistical #narcissistic

It’s onward and upwards